Computing the my little pony way..

Having been surprised at my own lack of knowledge of window (I've only used it for 11 years not understood it) I got my father-in-law "vista for dummies" as a Christmas present, but knowing he'd probably take offense at getting a dummies book I recovered it with this image I created..



..somebody give me a proper job!

Its finally Kitschmas - last door

And behind the last door is Monty Python, who remind us that its Christmas in Heaven everyday...

..and the perils of eating to much this Christmas...

...so I hope you all have a happy Christmas, one and all.

its almost here its almost Kitschmas - door 24

When i was a kid advent calenders only had 24 doors, then the 25 door appeared and just before the millennium they stretched to include new year. Well this advent has one more door tomorrow so what behind door 24? Why its will there be a Santa Claus!

I'm of the age when a lot of my friends have just had kids and are facing the choice of whether to launch into the Santa Mythos and potentially scar their child for life by "Lying" to them or be a kill-joy Grinch and tell them that their is no Santa Claus.

So I asked them and was surprised to find that they were all mostly for Santa but anti the christian bit of christmas, which I can only attribute to their children not being at school yet and not having the terrifying prospect of the Nativity to explain. Sheppard's flocks out in winter, angels, wise men, virgin births, oh yes it makes a jolly fat man delivering presents a much more belivable concept.

YES VIRGINIA THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS

NORAD SANTA TRACKER

Its Kitschmas - door 23

Almost finished as we reach "The Night of the Radishes" not a low budget vegetarian horror movie but a enchanting art event in Oaxaca, where the large red radishes into nativity scenes.
I remember those radishes well, on my return flight from Mexico many years ago i asked for the vegetarian meal, which was identical to the meat-eaters except the fish/chicken had been replaced by slices of large red radish.

Ah behind door 23 we have the return of John Waters and his Christmas compilation album "A John Waters Christmas", a fantastic collection of Christmas songs, I'm torn between the Chipmonks or Little mary Christmas as being the best track.

1. Fat Daddy “Fat Daddy (Is Santa Claus)”
2. Tiny Tim “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer”
3. Stormy Weather “Christmas Time Is Coming (A Street Carol)”
4. Little Cindy “Happy Birthday Jesus (A Child’s Prayer)”
5. Rudolph and Gang “Here Comes Fatty Claus”
6. Roger Christian “Little Mary Christmas”
7. Big Dee Irwin and Little Eva “I Wish You A Marry Christmas”
8. Jimmy Donley “Santa! Don’t Pass Me By”
9. Alvin and The Chipmunks “Sleigh Ride”
10. Rita Faye Wilson “Sleigh Bells, Reindeer and Snow”
11. The Coctails “First Snowfall”
12. AKIM & the Teddy Vann Production Company “Santa Claus Is A Black Man”

Its Kitschmas - door 22

A bit late tonight but i was off buying the last Xmas presents and then had to wrap them, so behind door 22 is the classic cult movie "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians", since the actual movie is quite painfull to watch here is the abridged MST3K version.

Its Kitschmas - door 21

This will all soon be finished as we open door 21 and since today is the winter solstice we have some harmless hippy pagans. Since I went to Australia this summer then officially I've had two winter solstices, two shortest days, well the wind is blowing and the weather is just grim outside but at least the nights will start getting shorter.

I wonder if I build a Wicker Man will the summer come faster...



p.s. see in "The Wicker Man" the fat baby being breast-fed in the graveyard, well that is my friend and industrial artist Dillon MacEwan.

It's Kitschmas - Door 20

Door 20 is a conundrum once upon a time David Bowie and Bing Crosby got together and recorded this version of Little Drummer Boy...



...and now Terry Wogan and Aled Jones have covered this rather strange event...



...but I do know that no matter who covers Little Drummer Boy it still scares my wife.

It's Kitschmas - Door 19

Behind door 19 is Jona Lewie's Anti-War Christmas hit "Stop the Cavalry", which references the truce in the trenches during Word War One, lets hope there are a few truces in the conflicts around the world this Christmas.

It's Kitschmas - Door 18

Behind door 18 is my little brother Danny who is getting married today and before you ask no its not a civil partnership, his cute sailor boy outfit is because he's in the Royal Navy. I look forward to celebrating his marriage to his bride to be Emma.

I hope there is wedding cake...

It's Kitschmas - Door 17

And now we are on to door 17 and since the world of shopping has turned into a snarling beast, we have in the way of an antidote...

The Reverend Billy & The Church of Stop Shopping

It's Kitschmas Konspiricy Round Up - Door 16

Philip K Dick would have been 80 today, so to celebrate his birthday behind door 16 is a round up of some Christmas Conspiracies...

The Christmas Conspiracy - Working for the Christmasization of all commerce.

How the Nazis Stole Christmas - A seasonal tale of politics, propaganda and paganism in Hitler's Third Reich

The Christmas Conspiracy - The Pagan Origins of Christmas

Santa's Red suit - The Coca-Cola Conspiracy

Rudolph the Red Nosed Raindeer - The evil truth.

Santa or Satan - I can think of one Conspiracy writer who's going on the naughty list.

The Santa Conspiracy- and another 9/11 writer goes on the LIST.

Munny I is scared!!! part two

I finally finished the Munny today..

..so after the ocher undercoat I applied my patented wood grain effect all over the figure...

..then once that dried I painted on the face, with a sky blue and baby pink facial tattoo. At this point my good-lady-wife exclaimed "what's happened he's stopped being cute, now he's scary". I think the next one will be cuter but this one is the practice Munny.

So the finishing touches, three layers of spray gloss paint, a bit of superglue and a wooden plinth. The necklace the Munny is wearing is a dog tooth I found on the road in Fiji, which I didn't quite smuggle back through customs I just forgot it was in my back pocket, I don't think it was from an endangered dog, just a dog that might have to start brushing more regularly or drink soup.

The most difficult part of the project was finding the plinth, I tried to find an ornament in a charity store I could salvage one off, but ended up having to go to model shops. Where I discovered that some stores "don't do those things, you want a military model shop!".
I should have guessed where you find geeks you find geek cliques. That'll teach me to try and buy millitaria supplies in a train/doll house store.

It's Kitschmas - Door 15

Ahhhh! its Mulled Wine or they call it on the continent Glühwein. One of the best thing to happen to me this year was that I discovered I could drink red wine again.
About 6 years ago red wine started to give me migraines, so I had to avoid it, then when I was in Vietnam I was given a glass of red and out of politeness drank it and discovered that I was cured.

Discover the joys of Christmas drinking with these recipes for Egg Nog and Gluhwein, or listen to one of my fravorite albums Ultra-Lounge: Christmas Cocktails.

I wish it could be Kitschmas every day - door 14

Behind door 14 is yet another glam rock classic, with Wizzard and "I wish it could be Christmas every day", Wizzard's singer Alan Moore gone on to greater fame as a crotchety comic book writer and snake worshiper.

Not a dry eye in the house....

Just back from "Its a Wonderful Life" and can report that for the last ten minutes of the film it was almost drowned out by the gentle sobbing and loud sniffing, it felt like proper Christmas.
Who said Glaswegians were all hard.

It's a Wonderfull Kitschmas - Door 13

Whats behind door 13, is it ZuZu's Petals no its the ever popular yuletide movie Frank Capra's "Its a Wonderfull Life", which I shall be going tonight to the cinema, to watch for the umpteenth time and shall enjoy it as much as the first time.

It's Kitschmas - Door 12

What the hell is that behind door 12? Its the Pine Cone Santa that I bought at a jumble sale when i was six, I swear its made from goat fur and sacking, like the Christmas decoration Robinson Crusoe might have made on his deserted island.

Today is the day the Christmas tree goes up and the presents start to pile up beneath it.

Bettie Page the newest and most glamorous star in heaven

Bettie Page, she who launched a thousand fringes, has died aged 85 in Los Angeles.
She has been one of my major crush objects since i first saw fridge magnets of her back in the early 90's, when she was still missing.



I used her images for several Sleazy Cheezy fliers and will be interested to see which images of her will be printed in the quality newspapers.

It's Kitschmas - Door 11

What is behind door 11....



...why its Gandalf, ah remember when Christmases of the past were all about the release of the latest installment of the "Lord of the Rings", bum-numbing bladder-bursting epics. Roll on the Hobbit..

It's Kitschmas - Door 10

I've been thinking about good Christmas double bills, mixing traditional telly fare with something bit outre, so what would be better to slob out to than Raymond Briggs "The Snowman" followed by the wintry chills of The Residents "Eskimo"





(apologies You Tube is lacking any footage from the DVD version of Eskimo)

It's Kitschmas - Door 9

I wonder what in the name of Sweet Zombie Jesus is behind door 9....



..why its the Sweet Zombie Jesus himself, who'd have though that popular boy band Mcfly would provide us with the Yuletide Zombies that make this season so jolly.

It's Kitschmas - Door 8

Door eight pays tribute to Bodhi Day, the day that the historical Buddha Siddhartha Gautauma achieved enlightenment, Santa must be a Buddhist because he's always concerned with karma and who's been naughty or nice.

My top Buddha themed Christmas present suggestion would be "The Years of Rice and Salt" by Kim Stanley Robinson , an alternative history of the world where europe was wiped out by the black death in the middle ages. Not only it a great piece of alt.history I love it that the Orkneys are mentioned in it.

It's Kitschmas - Door 7

What is behind door seven...



"It was the Yuletide, that men call Christmas though they know in their hearts it is older than Bethlehem and Babylon, older than Memphis and mankind"

- H.P.Lovecraft "The Festival"

How can you Cthulhu up your Yuletide, well you could read Lovecrafts 1923 short story The Festival, while listening to the Unbearably Scary Solstice Songs of the H.P.Lovecraft Historical Society, which you can listen too below or buy them in a special Yuletide tentacle stocking HERE.

The Festival by H.P.Lovecraft - Dagonbytes.com

Its Beginning to Look a Lot Like Fish-Men - HPLHS

The Carol of the Old Ones - HPLHS

Beer Vs Biscuits

Having worked in various live music pubs and clubs, I consider myself to have been to one hell of a lot of gigs in my time, so its nice to contrast the two most recent gigs I've been too.


The Beer gig was at the Halt Bar, there was two bands, one was a white stripes style man and lady band who sounded like the Dead Kennedys meets the White Stripes singing in the Velvet Underground style or the "Dead White Velvets". The second band were a four piece all blokes who looked like hipster teachers and sounded like Magazine and the Buzzcocks.
Thanks to Beer I can't remember much more than that, oh and they were all from Leeds and the gig was organized by my mate Joe the Plumber (not the American one but real guy named joe who is a plumber and has been known as that for far longer than the other).

Last night was the Tea gig held at a tiny tea shop, "Tchai Ovna" hidden down a back lane. The shop is like someones living room and they do wide selection of teas, nice place reminds me of various squat bars from my youth.
So we were there to watch "Allo Darlin" an Australian Songstress on her Ukelele, and it were great, her best song was one called "Emma" which was all about a girl who'd nicked her boyfreind, by the way she put her heart into singing it you could tell it had actually happened but also it was still a touchy subject.
Very nice gig, small audience but since I've worked at nights where the barstaff have outnumbered the band and audience, so I know its all about whether people are enjoying themselves or not. The oddest part of the gig was comming home not drunk but over full of tea, like you've just been visiting your granny.

Xmas Shopping Blogging

Shouldn't have done it, but it had to be done, Xmas shopping is the anti-Christmas, no good cheer and some people seem to just go out to stand in the streams of people and cause stress.

But one of the joys of Xmas shopping is entering shops and looking at stuff you'd never normally look at and I'm always surprised at the thing that people will buy.
For instance a few years back I was in the ladies shop "Accessorize" to buy my wife some ear-rings and there I discovered grown women buying clothes for dogs. I gave the woman in question a withering man look and she came to her senses and put the dog dress back on the hanger.

So I was in Borders Books looking at the Biography section, my dad likes a biography and I was seeing if there was something up his street and discovered an entire section called "True Lives" which as far as I can tell are hideous true stories of child abuse and rape. They all have the same cover, sad child, hand written font for the authors name and a title like Ugly, A Child called it, Slapped Bairns or Please Daddy Don't. Apparently Waterstones has a similar section and its called "Damaged Lives", who new misery was such a big seller.

It's Kitschmas - Door 6

I wonder what treat lies behind door 6....



.....ah its Zwarte Piet the secret Dutch Christmas shame.

Ten years ago I was living in a Vegan Communist Straight Edge Squat in the south of Holland and my fellow squatters were very pro-active and wiling to create "actions" against any perceived injustices. Once when a Pychobilly band played and had pin-up girl back drops the in-house feminist group invaded the stage and protested until the offending items were removed.
Then Christmas came and on dutch TV they have Sinterklaas arriving in his ship on the news and I see the old white guy dressed like a bishop and i ask "who's that?", and I'm told "Sinterklaas, he's like Santa Claus but he leaves presents on the 6th of December".
"And the guy's all blacked up?"
"Oh that's Zwarte Piet, Black Peter he's Sinterklaas helper, he peeps through the windows to see if your good and then reports back to Sinterklaas".
"And the're white guys, blacked up?"
"Yes it is a great honour"
"But they are blacked up?"
"It is tradition, it is not racist".
"We used to have Black and White Minstrals in Britain"
"Yes but those are racist"
"You don't really spread the whole Zwarte Piet bit, about dutch Christmases do you?"
"Yes, But its tradition".

Since Zwarte Piet has only been around since 1850 and only then created to replace the Krampus, so it funny to think how the sanitized part of the dutch Christmas myth has become more offensive than the original.

Seine Krampus Nacht - Tür fünf

So door five is the Krampus, the red tongued black devil companion of Saint Nicholas, and this is the night he would go abroad and check on the "goodness" of all little children and eat the bad ones. The Krampus is the veiled threat in the song "Santa Claus is coming to town", so tonight children be good, for goodness sake.

IT'S KITSCH-maaaaaaaasssssssss!!!!! -door 4

Its cold enough for Christmas but yet there seems to be something missing, I'm sure it will come to me as I open door four....



....why that's whats missing the "Its Christmas" roar of Glam Rock God Noddy Holder and the boys from Slade.

It's Kitschmas - Door 3

Personally I like an advent calender to have chocolate behind the door, nothing beats that cheap sugary hit everyday to mark the days until the blessed baby zombie Jesus returns once more...



...Oh my Gosh! My good friend Jamie said about this that once you watch it you can never unwatch it, its like seeing GOATSIE, but where as GOATSIE is the creation of one dedicated individual many people made "The Star Wars Holiday Special" and any of them could have stopped the insanity!

"If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every copy of that show and smash it."

- George Lucas

Anti-Zombie Chainsaw Machine Gun

This clip of a gun with a Chainsaw bayonet has been touted around the internet as the ultimate addition to an assault rifle in the event of a Zombie crisis...



..But I can't help think about what Action Hero/Savior of the World Bruce Campbell says in "My Name is Bruce"..

"You know Jeff, I've gotten a lot of use out of chainsaws over the years, killed a lot of zombies, saved a lot of lives, but a the end of the day when push comes to shove, their just too damn heavy."

...plus kickback, bone jamming and running out of fuel, now if somebody can just build me a shotgun/sledgehammer combo then I might be interested.

It's Kitschmas Time again - Door 2

I wonder what behind door number two?



My gods its a String-faced Shoggoth Santa, the most creepy Christmas decoration I've seen this year, its half Santa half weeping child ornament, whats wrong crying Santa, OH GOD YOU HAVE STRING FOR A FACE!!!!!

It's Kitschmas Time again

I love Kitschmas me, I love songs, the lights, the fake snow and advent calenders so lets open up the first door....



...why its the Sultan of Sleaze himself Mr Johan Waters.

I think were all smart enough to realize that Christmas has been around for a lot longer than Christians, but I used to hate the whole season until my friend Jamie gave me this John Waters essay to read and I learned to love Christmas once more..

Why I Love Christmas - From Crackpot by John Waters